People Pleasers - How to Deal With Other People's Problems

One of the things I have had to face up to inbut I couldn't bring myself to admit that I had
adulthood is that I am naturally one of life's peoplemade my own life style choice.
pleasers. I've written of this previously in myI was a people pleaser because I invariably chose
article about eldest child syndrome, but simplyto become embroiled in other people's problems.
knowing about the problem isn't enough.THE ART OF ASSERTIVENESS
You need to recognise how you react whenBecoming more assertive has nothing to do with
you're continually confronted with other people'saggression. Nor does it mean that you have to
problems.stop being helpful. What it does mean is that you
- Do you simply fall into line because you don'thave to stop being a mindless people pleaser. You
notice the way people are treating you?have to re-educate your mind!
- Do you have a vague suspicion that you're beingEvery time you allow yourself to be manipulated,
exploited but get on with the job, anyway?the messages being laid down in your brain are
- Or do you realise that you're almost certainlyeducating you to believe that this is your purpose
being manipulated or taken for granted, but bitein life. That you need to be needed!
your tongue and conform to expectation?But the fact is that the choices for life that are
IS THIS MY LIFE STYLE CHOICE?open to you are immense. It really is as simple as
These are the questions I've had to ask myselfopening your mind up for re-education. Here's how
over the years. If you answered 'Yes' to any ofto do it:
the above, you need to ask yourself: Are theseBECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE
the choices for life that I have made for myself,
and if so why?1. Every day, use the few quiet moments
- Has being helpful simply become a habit that youbetween waking and rising from your bed to
don't notice anymore?re-educate your mind: to teach yourself to think
- Are you afraid to say no in case you rock thedifferently.
boat?2. Think about your value as a person - not in
- Is it because you don't want to think badly ofterms of what you do in the way of solving
people?other people's problems - but in the gifts and skills
- Is it because you don't want them to feel badlyyou bring to life. Value yourself - not for what
about you?you DO; but for the caring person you ARE.
- Or do you believe that becoming more3. Ask yourself: what are the choices for life that
assertive equates to being aggressive?are open to me? Now ask, what is my life style
- Do you secretly feel resentful?choice? In other words, what do you want in life?
These are classic signs of being on the DramaPerhaps you've always wanted to go back to
Triangle. The fact is that unless you can honestlycollege? To take up golf? To travel more? Make a
say that your reasons for being helpful areplan. Put it into action.
entirely altruistic, then you have allowed yourself4. If you recognise in yourself a gift for helping
to become a Rescuer / Victim. Sooner or later,others, make up your mind to use it in a
unless you give some thought to improvingstructured manner: perhaps by teaching a class on
assertiveness in your life, the situation will blow upcraft; becoming a teacher's assistant in school;
in your face. Let me explain.helping in a charity shop.
OTHER PEOPLE'S PROBLEMS5. In this way, new pathways of thinking will be
Some time ago I found myself faced with alaid down in your brain. You are, literally, learning to
situation which I had not created. The person whore-educate yourself.
had created it asked for my help - to sort out a6. Learn to give yourself thinking time when
mess that was not of my making. I had alreadyyou're asked to help with other people's problems.
been heavily involved in clearing up another messLearn to say, 'I'll have to look at my diary.' 'I'll give
that had arisen out of the same situation.you a ring when I've checked with George /
Even so, because being helpful gave me a senseMildred.' Learn to say No - graciously, without
of being valued by the person who had askedmaking excuses, without feeling guilty.
me, I agreed to do so.7. Practice, practice, practice. Practising is an active
It meant having to cancel several commitments,part of learning, which is crucial to success. If
which made life difficult for others. I also had topossible, enlist the help of your family.
give up several social events - which impacted8. Every time a situation arises in which other
upon my family. I became caught in the middle ofpeople have expectations of you, question the
everyone's expectations: the people for whom Ivalidity of their demands. Learn to evaluate what
was being helpful; and those whose lives I hadis reasonable.
disrupted.9. If you find yourself slipping back into old habits
I began to realise that I enjoyed sorting out otherand feel bad about yourself, or other people, learn
people's problems only because I needed to beto turn the negative thoughts out with positive
needed.ones. Not, 'no one appreciates me!' but 'I did a
I began to feel increasingly angry. With the persongood job planting out all those bulbs - and I loved
who had created the situation in the first place.every minute of it!'
With the one who had asked for my help. With10. And finally, we're told to love our neighbour
my family for making me feel bad about having(that's anyone who crosses our path - family,
let them down.The people whose problem I wasfriends, and others) as ourselves. But if you don't
trying to solve appeared to be completelylove yourself you can't truly love others. And if
indifferent to my situation, and showed noyou don't love yourself, then neither will others
gratitude to me for being helpful. I began to feellove you.
sorry for myself. I knew I was being manipulated,